LOL PREZIDNT CAN HAS CHEEZBRGR TWO!!!

Seriously, the game that has the best reason for it's action (The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President?). It now is officially in my top 5 for best fucking ending to a game EVER?! You get to stand in the lawn of the White House looking like a buff mother fucker, while the President eats a cheeseburger with about a zillion clones in black suits standing behind you. Clearly, Bad Dudes 2 should be about taking over the fucking world with a cheeseburger eating clone army. I'd buy it.

Zangief

This was one of the endings to one of the most influential/best games ever? Fucking insane. And fucking awesome.

Update on the arcade quest. My internet was out for a few days, and I've been too busy catching up on other activities [editor's note: drinking like crazy] so the nerd shit will have to wait.

Game #1688: ZZYZZYXX

ZZYZZYXX, by Cinematronics circa 1982

Note 1: I'm not actually going to play 1688 games because some games require shit like guns, and still others have multiple records for the same game (like 2 player shit [like I'd let anyone play games with me, pfft])
Note 2: What kind of a fucking name is ZZYZZYXX? I mean, look at that cabinet! That thing is AWFUL.


I hate Japan. Anyways. This game looks terrible. Let's find out. Checking the leaderboard gives us:

Variation:	TGTS [TGTS]
Platform:	M.A.M.E.
Rules:	ROMset = "ZZYZZYXX" Difficulty = "EASY" Starting lives = 3 Bonus = 10K and 50K 2nd bonus given = "YES" Starting laps = 2 Show intermissions = "NO" Extra lives = "NONE"

1) Ryan Sullivan 47,715
2) Joe Perry 39,685
3) Robert Mruczek 18,820

Those look reachable, maybe. I should get #3 just so Mruczek gets displaced. What kind of an awful name is that. Holy shit.

Trying to launch the game creates the first horrible problem; I can't remember how to "spell" the title of this game. I seriously typed in 2 or 3 different things because I could get the game to run. I hate it already.

First Try: 470 fucking points. That was pathetic. ZZYZZYXX was more pathetic. The music at launch is classic obnoxious MIDI crap, the noises are ok I guess by 1982 standards. But anyways, this game registers a whopping 2 directions and 1 button. The directions are up and down, but I'm pretty sure the game only registers up and down about 50% of the time, which makes sense. Any team that forgets about left and right is bound to forget up and down sometimes. Time for try 2, aka getting my face eaten by bug looking fuckers.

Pre-2nd play note: I realized the game was giving me a back story a la Ms. Pac Man at the start screen. Get this. My fucking NAME is zzyzzyxx. Weird. Next, the goal is to run around this little area gathering shit like flowers and rings for points--fair enough. Thing is, I'm trying to get to a chick with this stuff, and if I haven't gathered enough, she won't accept me! How messed up is that. If I brave a moving labyrinth with death beetles in it to gather you a SINGLE FUCKING RING you better accept me back asshole.

Second Try: 1295 fucking points. Hey I beat the first level. My green zzyzzyxx guy turned blue... that was neat until he turned green again. I'm not sure what blue meant. Probably because he got blue balls because that girl would only let him get to 2nd base after only getting her a single flower and ring. Holy shit I'm funny.

Third Try: 455 fucking points. That try, 2 of my 3 lives were lost by moving directly into death beetles myself.

Verdict: This game sucks and is impossible. Never date a woman named Lola. She will feed you to death beetles. The end.

Video Game MISSION

I think I might change the topic of this crispex. I have been reading this guy's blog lately.

http://www.tombstoned.co.uk/words/

Negative: He's not that funny
Positive: But he's interesting
Negative: He's ranty and British
Positive: His idea rules

He's going from A-Z playing every MAME game in the Video Game Record Book thing. I like that idea. I think I'm going to do the same thing, but ZAZZY TASTIC I'm starting from Z. Fuck you.

And once I make a few posts, I'm definitely going to start advertising this shitshow.

Edit: And fuck you. I know it's nerdy. But I built my own arcade machine for fuck's sake, so you KNOW I like my old school games.

What's that smell? Oh wait, it's just Michael Moore.

Here's the latest in a long line of things that annoy me: Michael Moore.

Here's a couple of reasons why Michael Moore is good: 1) he gets close-minded people to actually talk about issues they wouldn't normally talk about, 2) his overall message is USUALLY a decent enough one (Sicko is here), and 3) he can eat a human baby without chewing.

So I just got reading a [biased] list of "facts" Moore fucked up in Farenheit 9.11. It had like 50 things on it, and yes, most of them were nitpicky and shitty. But there were a lot of scenes in the movie that were particularly important and striking. Example: the golf scene. I thought until about 5 minutes ago that Bush was talking about 9/11, but it was about some terrorist attack in Israel and come on, they have like 10 a day over there. Of course he's gonna act casual. I think little fibs like this are enough to severely doubt the rest of Moore's work. Any time you lie about say... a date, or a statistic, you could just as easily be lying about something that would be harder to check--like any of the complex political shit in the rest of the movie.

My point is that Michael Moore is a prick. I'm glad Sicko wasn't bad and is actually a nice, non-partisan idea, but holy fucking shit he is a fat asshole.

suck(vlog) > suck(blog)

That's really all I got. Chris Benoit is insane. People still have no compassion for other people (read any fark.com comments on Virginia Tech if you want proof). And the video game the above picture was stolen from would be amazing if those guys had any money to make it. I'd play it. Every fucking day. Until I got tired of clubbing seals that is (but who REALLY gets tired of that).

Crispex out.

Observing humanity has left me wanting... to not be human anymore? I CLAIM ZOMBIES

Short post.

Over the weekend, it appears the Chris Benoit (pro wrestler and childhood hero of mine) went nuts and murdered his family and took his own life. As of this writing, autopsy results aren't back yet, so there is no 100% concrete story. The only things I'm hearing are from various reporters saying things like "We have to check our story to get 100% confirmation, but it's really disturbing and bizarre." Fuck.

I'm not a good enough writer to elaborate much on what I want to say at the moment. It's not that I'm distraught over this or anything. I never met Benoit, and it's not like I had posters all over my wall. It's just yet another shocked chapter of life where you learn about humanity. Not just from the accounts the Benoit was just a quiet, nice guy. I've mostly been severely disappointed by people on message boards throughout the internet. And these aren't your places where 14 year olds hang out. As far as I can tell, these forums are for college aged people and older. Lack of compassion towards human life is something I just don't understand, and watching these shitdicks around the internet making snarky comments to get some other shitdick to laugh is just.. pathetic, sickening, etc. They'll get it someday. I hope.

The Wanting Seed left me wanting to read something else, ZING!

This book was really disturbing and pretty much craptastic. I liked the last 30-50 pages, but the lead in was awful. Everyone speaks in this assbackwards British way and trying to decipher what the hell is going on is painful sometimes. Burgess pulled that shit off in A Clockwork Orange--not so much here.

Pennsylvania is turning out to be less of a hellhole than I originally thought, but it still kind of sucks. I realize it's commonplace and ignorant to complain about where you live, even if it is temporary, but I also realize it's commonplace for everyone to pine for home when you're away. Even if your home is Pennsylvania. And it sucks.

Since I still have the allusion that this is generally a pro wrestling/baseball blo... check that. I hate that word, so from here on out this "interweb space for thought" is going to be referred to as my "Crispex." Why? Because Crispix is delicious and they have that copywritten. And I like the e more than the i. The e is irrational, but the i is imaginary (and that's bull shit).

The point is, I should at least talk about pro wrestling on my Crispex because last night's pay-per-view was supposed to be a big one. I went in hoping to see Sycho Sid or Chris Jericho return, and at the very least a 4-star match from Benoit and Punk. WWE didn't even give the fans a grim reaper, and it all sucked. It was indeed a fun time, but the matches blew ass. I did meet a guy at the bar wearing a shirt that said "DIE ORC" and he talked about his pro wrestling club at PSU. I wonder what the odds are that he's gonna die a virgin.

About eleventy billion to one that if he doesn't, money was involved. Or furries.

A lack of cognitive thought

Surprisingly, I have been avoiding pro wrestling the past few weeks. This Vince McMahon death angle is pretty stupid and offensive. I think it would be epic to see him get sued by all the stockholders. Baseball has been good, but it's still just the dregs of summer.

Right now I'm working on this project that is only possible thanks to the wonderful fancy pants people at Minitab. There is actually a published paper floating around out there in published-academia-land about fitting Pythagorean Wins to a 3-parameter Weibull distribution. Well Minitab can do that shit automatically it seems. As long as I could get my hands on some stupid data sets... then we'd be lookin' at something.

1st positive fact I've learned about Pennsylvania since I've been here: PBR is slightly cheaper.

1098317th negative fact I've learned about Pennsylvania since I've been here: shitting in your roommate's bed is rarely a good idea. But I haven't learned my lesson. We southerners are mighty slow.

People are fucking pathetic

A psychology/sociology experiment I'd be interested in reading is why people do this.

I notice when a fan of sports speaks of their favorite team's performance, they tend to us personally inclusive pronouns. I have absolutely no idea if personally inclusive pronouns is even an English term, and I am leaning towards "fuck no", but I'm going with it. It sounds smart. Anyways, I'm talking about using the word 'we' as opposed to 'they'. That's creepy to me and here's why.

When the Braves lost yesterday and the day before, everyone on Braves sites are of course depressing and hari kari-tastic all over the place, but the most common phrase is to the effect "If only WE could (insert something about Andruw Jones giving your grandpa a grim reaper)". Why would anyone say we? You aren't on the fucking team, you aren't in the fucking front office, and you probably don't even cut the fucking grass. Hell, you probably won't even go to a fucking game this year to watch them in person, aka, there is absolutely ZERO contribution you are making to this team other than... I dunno, jerking off to their tight asses in baseball pants and somehow they know and that makes Pete Orr feel sexy? Well that makes you weird.

I know very few douchebags will see this, but next time you talk about your favorite sports team, please don't say "we need this victory", or "we need to dump gatorade on the coach because I'm a happy fairy". It's annoying, and you look like an asshole.

However, there is one and only one exception: international sports competition. The Mexican national soccer team represents a country, so Mexicans are allowed to use 'we' because well, they're all Mexicans. Other teams (except maybe European soccer teams) are private organizations which you don't have a part in no matter how hard you want to relive the glory days of your high school baseball career where you struck out 65 times in 25 games. Loser.

You still look like an asshole.

WWE Draft and POOPPOOP

So my brother bought an XBOX 360 and XBOX live. The first thing he does with Live is downloads a game demo. Pretty neat huh? It's Phantasy Gay Star Online something. Anyway, I think it's amazing and hilarious that the very first thing we see when he zones into this new fabulous online world is a guy running in circles yelling "POOPPOOP". The internet is awesome.

Last night was the WWE draft. It went down about like I expected. There were more big names moved than I thought, but I guess the WWE likes to do that sometimes. I'm writing this early because I haven't read any reaction to the draft yet and I want to try to remain unswayed. Yeah fuck you, I'm THAT nerdy.

Edge def. Cena by Countout --> Khali to Smackdown

This was kind of obvious. Khali had nowhere else to go on RAW after getting rocked by Cena. Now he'll probably just coast along in another high profile feud until his contract is up and he disappears back to the jungles of the Punjab.

CM Punk def. Carlito --> Boogeyman to ECW

First off, I was a little disappointed that a pretty solid midcarder match wound up in this pretty insignificant move. Punk and Carlito had a pretty good amount of chemistry going on, and they both sold their butts off. Good work fellas. But Boogeyman? I guess he can feud with Kevin Thorn or something. I liked what he had going with Kane though. They always do this to Kane. He gets something that works, and they fuck him in the butt with... stuff.

Umaga squashed Balls Mahoney --> King Booker to RAW

Balls Mahoney is so mistreated. I love Booker though. This could really work out well for his character. I could really see him coming back as a goofy face and rocking Umaga.

Lashley def. Beniot --> Benoit to ECW

Lashley still can't wrestle that well, but he showed some real power and amateur skillz. Beniot is still the man, and this move was way obvious. He was rotting on Friday nights, and he is the proud producer of one of the biggest spots in ECW history even though he wasn't there terribly long. He immediately jumps up into the main event ranks with RVD and....(insert).

MVP def. Santino --> Torrie Wilson to Smackdown

::yawn:: Santino still ain't much of a wrestler and holy shit did MVP learn from Beniot or what. I just found out a few days ago that MVP has a couple ugly ass black power tattoos on his chest from prison, and that's fucking awesome.

Snitsky squashed the Miz, but Miz won due to overdoing the beatdown --> Chris Masters to Smackdown

Masters was probably a sure bet too. I guess he now goes and rots in blue and white rather than red and black. Oh well.

Candice def. Krystal --> Bobby Lashley to RAW

And Lashley was stripped of the ECW title. I like the angle. Now Bobby goes to RAW and maybe the McMahon thing is behind him with both men coming out on top. Neat. The woman's match was horrid as expected, but Candice really isn't that bad anymore. I'm not sure where there's room for Lashley on RAW, especially if HHH and HBK come back by Summerslam. Oh well.

Batista def. Jeff Hardy & Elijah Burke --> Ric Flair to Smackdown

Wow. Batista fucking turned it UP tonight. Now I see why people still pop for him. That was pretty damn good. Hardy and Burke didn't do bad themselves neither. Flair is awesome and will be awesome anywhere. Maybe on Smackdown he gets a REAL push and holds at least one more non-Tag title.

15-Man Battle Royale won by Randy Orton --> Snitsky and Kennedy to RAW

It was kind of obvious that Orton was winning this as he was the biggest name in there. A few things are of note from the match itself... they bury ECW like crazy. Dreamer, Thorn, the Sandman, and Striker all went out way fucking early. That was craptastic. They had an opportunity to showcase Nitro and Dykstra, but didn't. Matt Hardy looked pretty good. But the definitely highlight was the HUGE pop that was given when the ring was cleared and Viscera and Mark Henry spotted each other. Now that was epic. Big Vis may still be a bit of a jobber, but holy fuck he's still scary. I need a video of that moment when he yelled and charged with his white eyes blazing and gold teeth glowing. That was a fucking moment. And Mark Henry just looks like he's ready to rape anyone at any given time, and then rip off their arm and beat... something with it. Anyways, Snitsky moving appears insignificant. They have been building him up for months... for this? Gay. Kennedy to RAW is big however. Hopefully he comes back with a HUGE push and goes right for Cena, but with Lashley, Orton, and Umaga crowding it up... I doubt that's the case.

Clearly the belt needs to come off Cena soon, and I think they know that. I also think they know that Umaga and Orton aren't really credible champs at the moment. Lashley would sort of work, but he's still green. I think Kennedy is ready. If they give him, I dunno, some real publicity and time to talk? Like put him on the Tonight Show. Introduce the world to him like they do for Cena and Edge, that would rock nutsacks across the world.

But the event that overshadowed it all was the creepy ending to RAW. The McMahon appreciation skits were GREAT. Bret Hart on RAW?!? The Iron Sheik speaks (sort of)? Rowdy Roddy comes back? Etc etc etc. It was pretty damn good and cool. McMahon's ending was so odd though. The creepy walk to the ring, then in the back with all the wrestlers who didn't perform tonight--that was odd. But the blowing up of the limo was REALLY good. I mean, REALLY well done even if Vince still can't act. WWE can still do special effects well, that's for sure. And they can still you know, pull a turd out of a hat and make you wonder how pooppoop came from there. I'm really hooked. Next week's RAW should be interesting.

Last note, the next ppv should be AWESOME. The whole "every belt defended" thing is going to be way good. Especially when they claim the main event is WWE Champion John Cena v. Randy Orton v. King Booker v. Mick Foley v. Lashley. Wow that's a lot of good names. WWE could either really rock assholes the next weeks to come, or of course, blow it and suck their grandpa's cock. We'll see.

Draft Joe Morgan to Hell

A word that pisses me off more than "blog", or "DublSoft" is definitely "video blogger/ing". Anyone with a video blog can go to hell. I probably don't want to hear or read your ideas in the first place, not to mention the fact that I don't want your greasy pizza face uglying up my monitor.

Tonight is the WWE draft. I'm pretty psyched about it, but I'm also pretty sure I'll be let down again. I believe the WWE could use a serious shaking up though. Things have gotten stale, and this is a good way to move folks around to make some room for new blood. Problem is... there is NO new blood on the horizon. When is the WWE going to get a clue and scrap Smackdown and make a niche show. I think a promotion with a classic WWE show (Raw), a hardcore show (old ECW), and a high flyer/athletic show (think ROH, or TNA before it got gayed up) would be fucking fantastic.

If you're a sports fan and you have a penchant for keeping your sanity, then the Braves-Cubs game last night was particularly unbearable. I didn't get to see it on TV, but all reports say Miller and Morgan were fucking ridiculous. I WAS listening on ESPN radio, and whoever those shit dicks were pretty much made my ears bleed. Finally I found the Braves local broadcast, and that was at least BEARABLE. Seriously. You would have thought that the home plate umpire shivved Lou Pinella's mom with a rusty icepick and then Edgar Renteria went out there and pissed donkey punched her repeatedly. IT'S A FUCKING BASEBALL GAME. People play rough like that for their whole life. I played second base, and I cannot tell you how many times I jumped for a ball thrown over my head on a steal and "lost my footing" and either fell on the guy or stomped his leg. Yeah it's dirty, and yeah I should have gotten my ass kicked, but you just... do stuff like that sometimes. I'm a fan of doing anything underhanded you can do in a game to win. That doesn't include things like steroids, because that's outside of a game, and that doesn't include really trying to hurt someone. I never stomped people's shit with metal spikes, or on the ankle. It was mostly just to pin then for an instant to prevent going an additional base. It sends a message; it gets in their fucking head. And I don't go back to Craig County because of that.

There's a Ring of Honor event in Philly on August 11th. I'm pretty happy about the new announcement because that means I'll FINALLY get to go to one. My brother's graduation and my childhood best friend's wedding just happens to coincide with the other 2 events this summer. Boo crap on that.

And for other wrestling fans out there, go search for Extreme Warfare Revenge. It's an incredibly detailed, thorough wrestling-booker-simulation... thing. I absolutely love it, and you will too if you like pro wrestling.

Office life is still fucking weird.

Win Shares

Seriously. I keep reading this shit on excellent baseball websites about blah blah bull shit, and almost ALL writers I consider intelligent will come back to Win Shares as this be-all-end-all statistic. I read the fucking book Bill James wrote about it. It's total and complete bull shit. It was one of the most flawed things ever. The book was completely full of faulty logic, rounding errors, and generally made up shit. I bet you could count up the times James says "roughly", "approximately", and "we'll do X for now (then never change it)" and have a big ol' shit sandwich with them all. I need to go dig up my copy of it, read the formulation part, look online to see if he ever changed anything, and then create my own statistic. Fuck it. I'll do it right now.

The Howard Coefficient.

First off, everyone knows walks and home runs are pretty solid raw measures of how 'good' a hitter is. So let's start with this.

BB + HR

But wait! I'm emulating Bill James, so clearly, since you only get to first base on a walk, and get FOUR bases with a home run, lets arbitrarily divide BB by 4.

(BB/4) + HR

Now we need to factor in the other hits! Golly gee, dubbles and trippels count two!!! DIVIDES EM UP TOO!

(BB/4) + (2B/2) + (3B/3) + HR

To hell with singles. They're just walks for the showy prick. So now I guess we probably should put some stolen base crap in there. I remember My Hero (tm) Billy claimed that something like 70% (approximately of course) of all SB attempts were sucessful, so watch this fancy pantsy statistical jargon.

(BB/4) + (2B/2) + (3B/3) + HR + (SB/CS)**2

I totally just squared that. I think it looks better that way... makes me look all fancy. Now to factor in defence, the way I was inspired to see it was that an error always gives up a base or two to the other guys, so let's just assume here that all errors a player makes will just cancel out their walks and doubles, so now we have:

(3B/3) + HR + (SB/CS)**2

I like the way this is shaping up. Oh I forgot. The Grit Factor. If a player is white and short, he's "hard-nosed" and "a gamer". So let's add that. PS--Fuck triples.

HR + (SB/CS)**2 + Height*Skin (Skin = 1 if white, 0 otherwise [-1 if you're dark skinned {0 if you're dark skinned but you have a cool name like Yovani}])

Remember, I learned all this from baseball journalism! Erstad and Eckstein are pretty much my heroes. Did I say pretty much my heroes? I misspelled 'what I think about during sex'. Lastly, I run this formula through my Bull-Shit-Fuck-You-O'Meter, and here's what happens...

WIN SHARES IS AMATEUR FUCK YOU LAWL ROFFFFFL

Well fuck. Back to the drawing board again.

Future projects

1) Batters and pitchers analysis v. certain individual pitchers and batters, specifically the ones that don't suck.

2) Research into "percentage of good outings". Example. Soriano for the Braves. Has a damn good ERA, but I know for a fact that 2 times he's allowed runs have been in throwaway games anyways, so that ERA is does not reflect his true value. Note: WXRL may already take this into account? Note 2: Check to see how LEV is calculated--it may make those runs allowed in 5 runs games insignificant.

3) See how reliable fangraphs.com's win probabilities are. Gotta be some shit that can be done there.

4) Run some regressions to figgur out what the most consistant stats are from year to year in small samples for pitchers. Try to go by number of outings, not necessarily number of innings. Relivers vary from outing to outing... not so much inning to inning when they get it.

5) Fuck you.

A wrestling note. Next monday is the draft special. Everyone and their mom and their mom's asshole is talking about who's going where, and everyone and their mom (but not her asshole) is calling that Beniot is getting moved, with Mysterio, Carlito, Umaga, and CM Punk being possibilities. Maybe.

Here's what I see. RAW is money. The end. As long as Cena floats around on there for kids to like, and as long as there are a few old timers like Flair, HHH, HBK, etc. on there, that show will be over 3.5 every time. It's the flagship show. I know no matter how shitty wrestling gets people like me will still watch it. Unless they change World Wrestling Entertainment to 'World Wbuttfucking Exhibition'. It's almost there anyways. But I digress. The point is, Smackdown is unstable, but that could be a function of the show being on a Friday night. I know I only watch it about 1 Friday a month. ECW is a shit show, with no REAL draws outside of Lashley. Sure, CM Punk gets ok pop, and Dreamer and a few others inspire nostalga, but they need REAL stars.

Keep in mind with the following that these are all possibilities, and what I personally think would rock. Usually, the WWE does shit I don't agree with, and then somehow pulls out a watchable product from what appears to be garbage writing. I thought the Cena-Umaga thing would be fucking horrible when it started, and it actually turned out pretty alright.

So here's what I think.

Umaga is going to Smackdown or ECW and immediately jumps into the title hunt. He can't feud Cena anymore (but the WWE could go that way just as a delay [rather than Orton] until HHH comes back to claim the belt). Edge v. Umaga would be an alright feud, but Lashley v. Umaga is already set up, and without McMahon interference could be pretty good.

Chris Beniot would be a great, great, great addition to ECW. He has the reason since he worked there in the 90's, and they have that sweet table powerbomb thing video to show to prove it. I'm not sure how you turn him heel at this point to feud Lashley, but turning CM Punk fully heel and having them fight for a non-existent mid-card title would be epic.

Jeff and Matt Hardy. This is a tough one. I think with them losing the belts on Monday that either they are going to team up on a non-RAW show, or they're heading for singles hell. I personally would LOVE to see them both shipped to ECW, where their style matches up, or send Jeff to ECW to feud with CM Punk and/or Burke. There probably wouldn't be room for all 3 guys I've mentioned so far, but it would make tons of sense to take 2 of the 3. If both are brought to ECW I would love to see a program built for an introduction of some tag belts. I think that's very possible, but the problem is there's just not enough good tag teams on ECW. Major Brothers, Burke and Brown, Dreamer and Sandman, RVD and Sabu, that's really about it. Hardys to Smackdown would be alright too. Them against Kendrick and London would be an epic new guys v. old guys thing. I think the point of this blurb is that the WWE has the most options with the Hardys. They are lucky to have them and it's a very dynamic situation.

Carlito and/or Chris Masters. These guys are lumped together because they're effectively in the same situation. They're both heels, they're both moderately over, and they both have potential star power in different demographics. If Carlito were still face I'd say to push him to Smackdown so he could fight MVP for the US Title, but now, I'm not so sure where to put these guys.

Trivia question I just thought of: Who even has the damn Cruiserweight belt right now? I know it isn't Helms since he's injured until May. Is it Chavo? I think it is.

Rey Mysterio is a guy that I believe is staying put on Smackdown. It makes sense to have him come back and immediately win the Cruiserweight belt. Plus they've been "showcasing" some big 6-man cruiserweight matches. I'd like to see them find a new tag team to mess with Deuce and Domino so Kendrick and London could go to the C-weight division. A field of Mysterio, Kendrick, London, and Chavo would lead to some epic battles. It would be so easy to do. Just have London snap and beat the shit out of Kendrick for no reason. London already looks heelish with his shitty little beard.

Cryme Tyme has NOT gotten a good push on RAW since the beginning, but they are definitely not jobbing either. I think the RAW article I read has them at like 9-3 this year or something. They are cartoons. Push them to Smackdown, break up L&K, and have them fight D&D. Their style match up. Two ground bruiser teams. I like it. Actually, now that I think about it, if Cryme Tyme is NOT shipping to Smackdown I'll be surprised. The way I see the tag situation shaping up is D&D v. Cryme Tyme v. Kane & Boogey on SDown, WGTT v. Cade and Murdoch v. Kenny & Nitro on RAW, with the Hardys being a wild card. There's a few others like the Brits and the Highlanders out there, and some random pairings, but I feel that would be the best way to go.

The following significant RAW guys are staying put I believe: Cena, Orton, HBK, HHH, Santino, Cade, Murdoch

Guys on RAW I wouldn't be surprised to see moved: Hacksaw, Eugene, Duggan, Venis, Viscera, (other HEAT people), Nitro, Kenny, Carlito, Benjamin, Haas, Masters, J Hardy, Cryme Tyme, Flair, Super Crazy, The Highlanders

Guys from SDown that are staying: Edge, Batista, MVP, Chavo, Boogeyman, London, Kendrick, (other cruiserweights), Finlay, Booker, Henry, Kane, Undertaker, Kennedy, Deuce, Domino

Guys on RAW I wouldn't be surprised to see moved: Mysterio, Benoit, Regal (to RAW to kick the shit out of Santino), Taylor
Guys from ECW that are staying: Lashley, Sandman, Dreamer, RVD, Burke, Brown, Striker, Major Brothers, Stevie Richards, Balls Mahoney

Guys that I don't expect to leave ECW, but may: CM Punk, Kevin Thorn

I'm pretty confident in all that. The only wacky stuff I could see would be to like, move the C-weight division to ECW as a sort of X-Division sort of thing. That wouldn't be too bad. They wouldn't even have to move the wrestlers to a different taping, but I guess it WOULD be live. I'm ok with that. Who wants to see Kendrick v. London v. Mysterio v. Punk in a ladder match for the belt? I know I do.

AND COLT CABANA NEEDS TO HURRY THE FUCK UP.

WWE Stuff?

This is going to be a rant/analysis (out of boredom) about the various storylines going on in the WWE right now.

Cena v. Khali

I like Khali. The problem is he can't work a match longer than 5 minutes, so then it's pretty clear that there's no chance of a long headlining program with him. But that's not the purpose here. Cena just needs to ride this out until another headliner comes back from injury. Good work Khali. Your big fucking Indian ass has a true purpose, and that's to be big, hilarious, big, have huge nipples, and suck so bad at wrestling you rule.

Edge v. Batista?

This is just starting but it really is the only possibility for a long term feud on Smackdown. Batista sucks and should choke on a cock.

Hardys v. Cade and Murdoch

1) Cade and Murdoch need a defined gimmick. Like the gay cowboy and the gay redneck.
2) The weird line they have going on with the 'noble heel' is really well done. Cade (and to a lesser extent Murdoch) has a real future.
3) Nipples.

Deuce and Domino v. London and Kendrick

The D&D team sucks about as much as AD&D does. Lame.

Benoit v. MVP

At least the belt is off Benoit and this feud is about to end. I want Benoit to go to ECW and do stuff. I don't know what, but with RVD leaving, it could only be awesome if he jumped ship.

Kane and Boogey v. The British, Carlito v. Flair, Santino v. Masters, Burke v. Punk

Sadly, all these feuds have either run dry or have nothing to them. The British are NO threat to the weirdos, both CvF and BvP have gone on way too long and are pointless, and Santino is just too much smaller than Masters to build anything convincing. I just now realized how much the WWE disappoints me. And then I get to drive 6 hours tomorrow. Fuck that.

ECW

As you fellers know, I am a huge pro wrestling fan. From RAW, all the way down to Chikara, I pretty much love it all. However, I am always disappointed by the "IWC"... Internet Wrestling Community. There are all these goobers running around, writing columns about various topics, and my general conclusion is that these fucks living in their mother's basement don't know snakes from dildos about anything.

Evidence. The article entitled Pro's From the Palace. His last article is talking about how ECW died with Vince as the champ, and also talks about how Tommy Dreamer's "reaction" on wwe.com was just that--a reaction, a shoot, an honest opinion. He proposes the idea that Dreamer is truly offended at this storyling. Well, that's possible in some sense I believe, but c'mon. That's ridiculous. Who pays Dreamer's salary? Don't get me wrong, I love Tommy Dreamer and he really was/is the embodiment of what ECW was all about, but if he truly gave a fuck about ECW he would have jumped off of this WWECW creation long ago and gone back to the indies. No matter what his true feelings, it's clear that he has sold out--at least a LITTLE bit.

I still say the first ECW One Night Stand PPV is the last glimpse anyone is going to get of the old ECW. Now it's time to move on and cheer on ROH. It's a new era.

My last thought is about the IWC again. This "community" really is full of gibbering idiots. The baseball community that I'm active in is smart. People put forth ideas, run some stats if needed, propose their thoughts, but they always...ALWAYS... say them in a way that shows that nobody outside of a MLB front office knows anything--we can only guess. The IWC needs to quit pretending they are backstage, or on the creative staff, or used to drink beer and snort coke with Sabu back in 1995. Give me a fucking break.

And my last thought about this post in general. I believe there are 2 successful routes the WWECW can go in. If they don't hit one of these on the head, then we just have another version of Heat, or Shotgun Saturday Night. 1) Make it the original ECW. 2) Make it another Smackdown/Raw. Now I know these are obvious, and I know EVERYONE wants to see #1, but come on. It's impossible. The original ECW was in front of crowds about 1000 smart people on average I'd guess. That's so small, and promotes energy. Today the WWECW is in front of arenas of jackass children and yokels. Won't work. So as for #2, they are on their way. What do you need to make a show/belt respectable? Have a good champ. They have done that for the most part, with RVD, Big Show, and Lashley. Now the Vince thing. Nobody really LIKES it, but it gets the brand attention. Vince went from the huge Trump Wrestlemania thing, and now to ECW. That will give it attention clearly. Also, I am enjoying this McMahon-Lashley feud a lot. It just has a different feel than the other shitty McMahon feuds.

But. If in 6 months Dreamer, Sandman, RVD, Balls, Stevie Richards, etc. are all gone and there aren't good replacements at the level of CM Punk and Colt Cabana... I'll have a hard time watching. A show will not succeed at a marketing level with just the New Breed, Umaga, and Lashley as their top draw. I'm pretty sure of that. But hell... WWE creative may fuck up sometimes, but they hit one on the head other times as well. Get to it guys.

Michael Vick and Football

Here is why I hate sports media and football in general.

It appears to be the opinion of the sports media and [most] football teams that a winning team is what people want to see, and in most cases this is the case. Who wants to watch a team go 1-15 or whatever with Andrew Walter as the quarterback?

This is where their argument breaks down and pisses me off. Michael Vick is the funnest athlete to watch in modern sports. The only other person I can think of in his league is Steve Nash (and Tiger Woods if you're an old fogie). All media I have seen is calling for the Falcons to dump Michael Vick. This is insanity. Even if the Falcons go 7-9, Vick will still break off 50 yard runs and other similar fun, insane plays.

I believe in the integrity of sports, but you are out there to entertain fans, like it or not. And when it comes to football I'd watch Michael Vick run in circles over the boring Tom Brady's of the world any day.

RAW In Roanoke

1) www.conwaytwittygivesmeaboner.com

2) Wrestling.

Today Raw had a house show in Roanoke, VA. This was my first house show in a coon's age--I went to about 3 or 4 also about 10 years ago in the same building. Here's dem derr matches and what I thought.

Carlito d. Shelton Benjamin
Solid opening match. Hit all their spots. Nothing of REAL note.

Eugene d. Dan Rodimer
Pretty bad match. Would have definitely been a good match for Alleghany High School.

Kofi Kingston d. Val Venis
Venis totally heeled it up and was totally awesome at it. He's good at that. Kingston is really hyped and is probably going to be the next talent to debut on TV, but damn he sucked it up. He had this super lame clappy thing, and was just... bad. He botched a fucking arm drag. AN ARM DRAG. My nuts can arm drag.

The Great Khali d. Hacksaw Jim Duggin
I <3 Hacksaw. He needs more respect than he gets. He's totally fun and awesome.

Cryme Tyme d. Kenny Dykstra and Johnny Nitro
This was a good match after two shitfests. Kenny and Nitro are apparently teaming up more regularly now. It's awesome, and Cryme Tyme is awesome and totally over. I wish they got a big push again.

Santino Marella d. Chris Masters
Masters is good on the mic, Santino was ok. Not an Intercontinental Champ... but solid enough?

Melina Perez d. Mickie James
Boring. Stupid. Waste of my time and my free ticket.

The Hardyz d. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
Hardyz are incredible performers. Everyone was way into it. Jeff is an incredible spotfest, and Matt is just a damn solid worker. Superb match.

John Cena d. Umaga
Total shit. Cena is awful and needs to be replaced. This match was totally the definition of "same old shit". Don't get me wrong... Cena has good matches in him. His match at the Royal Rumble, and on various Raw's as of late are proof of that... but tonight was "just another" Cena match. I didn't pop for anyone all night, except to boo Cena for being a horrible person to carry the WWE. Blah.

Then the total super awesome best wrestler EVER Khali came back and taunted Cena. I hope Khali wins the belt. THAT would be awesome to the max.

Then my car got towed by McDonald's. Reason number a zillion not to go to that fucking place.

What a break from posting.

I think we all know what happened here at Virginia Tech. Let's not talk about it here.

And Shark Boy came to Alleghany High School.... and stunk the joint up. Blah. Awful wrestling.

Let me throw a few thoughts out there.

1) The past Monday Night Raw was excellent. Khali is the bomb, and I really, really hope that somehow the belt falls off of Cena within the past 2 months. There are several small things to complain about on Raw lately, but that's the only glaring problem. Belts have to be exchanged on occasion in order to maintain their legacy. Cena has, in effect, held the belt for damn near 2 years. That's insane.

2) I SHOULD be completely annoyed by Vince having the ECW title, but by god, I kind of like it just for a) the publicity for ECW, and b) it creates a focal point for hatred from the Originals. And I like that.

3) HOW BOUT DEM BRAVES?! I know it's only May 1st, but damn they're playing good.

4) At first I didn't like the Ryan Langerhans trade, then I realized in non-fanboy mode that he is 27 years old and has never been better than a 4th outfielder. Sure, he has a fun name, but those pretty much grow on trees. Pujols. Hehehehehe.

NL East Pitching Staffs

WRESTLEMANIA IS ALMOST HERE.

Also, Shark Boy is coming to my hometown. I'm fucking psyched.

Ok. On to baseball. The rotations are from mlb.com

Rotation Slot 1

Smoltz, Willis, Glavine/Pedro (4), Patterson (3), Garcia (2)

I can't give anyone a 1 here simply because none of these pitchers are BAD. Patterson could easily outperform anyone here, while Garcia is probably a solid #2. I have no idea how much Pedro will play this year, but it'll probably be enough to "buff up" Glavine's stats into the Dontrelle range... that is, if Glavine will need any buffing at all. Also, as far as I'm concerned, Smoltz is made of beef jerky and total manliness and will pitch until he's 85. He will only quit then because he'll get into a man fight with Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee's Zombie, and Dmitri from Dillinger Escape Plan. The world explodes due to this epic battle.

Ok that was weird.

Rotation Slot 2

Myers, Hudson, Olsen, Glavine/El Duke, J Williams

Jerome Williams sucks, Brett Myers is very very good, El Duke is terrible, Olsen is a relatively unknown quantity with a lot of potential, and by God, Hudson is going to bounce back to 200 IP with a 4.00 ERA or better.

Rotation Slot 3

James (4), Sanchez (4), Hamels (3), Maine (3), Redding

Holy fuck the Nats are going to be really, really bad. The other 4 guys are virtually inseperable. All played half a season last year at above league average levels. Why don't I feel like Maine is any good? He performed just as well as the other guys last year.

Rotation Slot 4

Eaton, Redman, Nolasco, Oliver Perez, O'Conner

Eaton gets the nod here just because well, he sucks, but we know EXACTLY how much he'll suck since he's been doing it for a while. Perez could easily throw a Cy Young caliber year if he figures out how to throw a called strike, and Redman could also throw a solid year if he gets pumped because he's on a team not named the Royals.

Rotation (Everyone else)

Phillies (Moyer, Lieber), Braves (Hampton, Cormier, Davies), Marlins (Mitre, Johnson), Mets (Park, D Williams, Heilman?), Nats (Hill, Rauch)

FUCK the Nats are bad. Moyer and Lieber are solid #3 starters I supposed, so the Phillies win here. Hampton is probably a solid #2, but he's injured, while Davies and Cormier are barely #5's. Out of all these guys Josh Johnson has the best shot of throwing up a huge season, but I don't know why he isn't listed as in the rotation. Weird sauce.

Closer

Wagner, Cordero, Gordon, Wickman, Julio

Julio still sucks. Wagner and Cordero still rock a lot. Gordon and Wickman are getting old, and it's time for them to be replaced, but they ARE servicable.

Top Reliever #2

Gonzalez, .... I don't know.

I was going to break down the bullpens as far as: Closer, Setup, Setup 2, and then everyone else. But by God, other than the Braves, the bullpens are just...bad. Very bad. Braves get a 5. Everyone else gets a 2, except the Nats. They get a 1.

Braves = 29
Marlins = 21
Mets = 21
Nats = 12
Phillies = 26

I may have appeared biased, but this assigning of values thing simply probably isn't the best approach for pitching. There's just too much god damn variation in performances. And there's a bigger tradeoff for potential v. reliability (eg. Oliver Perez v. Lieber). Oh well. Braves win. That makes me happy.

Nonparametric NL East

I like nonparametric statistics. Mostly rank statistics. And mostly because I can sort of make up shit and be relatively justified. So, I'm going to rank the NL East from position to position, and then overall. #1 gets 5 points, and #5 gets 1 point unless otherwise noted.

Catcher
McCann, Olivo (3.5), LoDuca, Barajas, Schneider

Olivo only gets 3.5 because he's a heck of a lot closer to LoDuca and Barajas than McCann. McCann eats rubber tires like licorice and shits gold as far as I'm concerned. I really didn't want to put Schneider last, mostly because I don't think he's as bad as he was last year. I mean. Come on. The fucker was on the US team in the WBC. Then again, all the fangraphs.com projections say he still sucks. I still say they are terrorist anti-America scum.

First Base

Howard, Delgado, Johnson + Young, Jacobs, Thorman + Wilson (2)

I see Thorman and Jacobs basically being a push. I'd expect both to go .270/.350/.480 with 20 homers and a good eye. Nick Johnson for 400 ABs and Dmitri Young for the rest really isn't that bad at all, and if Delgado starts to show his age the injury platoon thing could possibly outperform the Mets.

Second Base

Utley, Uggla (3), Johnson (2), Lopez + Belliard (2), Valentin

Valentin is liable to collapse below a .200 batting average anytime now. That fucker is ancient. Uggla will regress a lot, while Utley will be an MVP candidate at second base. Here's the problem with the Nationals. On paper, they have a lot of pretty decent MLB players hanging out on their roster like Felipe Lopez, and Dmitri Young, and Ronnie Belliard, but you can only put one guy at each position. And it seems they're back to Guzman at short, leaving a black hole there, and second base will be league average at best.

Shortstop

Reyes, Ramirez, Rollins, Renteria, Guzman (0)

I didn't realize the 4 good shortstops in the NL East were alliterative. Neat. Reyes is very, very good, and the next 3 guys could easily flip around this year. Ramirez is hard to predict, Rollins is good, and Renteria can always bounce back to how he was when he was actually really good. Guzman is a safe bet for worst position player of the year with more than 300 ABs.

Third Base

Cabrera, Wright (4.5), C Jones (4), Zimmerman (3), Helms (1)

Cabrera, Wright, and Zimmerman are MVP candidates not only for this year, but for 2008-2014 most likely. Which scares the shit out of me as a Braves fan. Chipper has his best years behind him, but when healthy he can still fucking rake. Helms sucks despite his good year last year.

Left Field

Alou (4), Burrell (3), Willingham (3), Langerhans + Diaz (3), Church + Jim Bowden's Left Nut

None of these guys are very good. Church sucks as a left fielder, while is pretty solid as a center fielder. Alou could collapse any second, Burrell should put up 30 HRs every year, but doesn't, Willingham could explode anytime, and Diaz hits .300 and Langerhans is excellent defensively with great OBP skills. The cobbled together collection of misfits on mlb.com's depth charts for the Nationals is scary bad.

Center Field

A Jones (5), Beltran (4.9), Rowand (3), Sanchez (1), Logan (1)

I don't believe the stats claiming that Andruw is no longer a very good defensive center fielder. He may not be too quick anymore, but his instincts seem to make up for it. He and Beltran are about the same offensively, but I give Andruw the edge. Just because. Rowand is overhyped, and the other 2 guys don't deserve league minimum.

Right Field

Francoeur (4), Green (3.5), Hermidia (3), Victorino (3), Kearns (3)

First off. You know right field is thin when I consider Shawn Green as #1 for anything. None of these guys will very good in 2007, but I give Francoeur the edge because 1) he can fucking hit when it's a strike, and 2) he claims to be "woken up" this spring because he knows he sucked last year.

Adding all this shit up we get:

Braves = 27
Marlins = 24.5
Mets = 29.5
Nationals = 14
Phillies = 25

No surprise to me the Nats are horrid, and the Mets are the best. I also figured a push between the other 3. I'll do pitchers some other time, but I expect the Phillies and Braves to fight it out based on the Braves bullpen v. the Phillies rotation, with the Marlins young starters making a push. And the Nationals suck.

HGH in "Sports"

I've been reading a lot of shit around the interweb about these "HGH scandals" within baseball and professional wrestling. First off, the obvious (and only) response to these outraged sportswriters and fans is "NO FUCKING SHIT". Of course these men are taking HGH. If it is seen that an easy way to make your living is to take steroids, and they take that from you, then what do you do? You go for option 2.

It wouldn't surprise me one damn bit if every wrestler since about 1996 has either taken or thought about taking HGH. A few like Mick Foley probably didn't. His flub grew naturally. But come on. NOBODY can look like Bobby Lashley or Chris Masters without juicing on something--other than each other's cocks.

Opening fucking match.

I decided 2 days ago to do this. This will be my outlet for my ideas on baseball, professional wrestling (haha), video games, and other things I think are awesome. Like PBR. And applesauce.

Also there will be things here about things I think are lame. Like the punk rock/indie rock scene, high schoolers, small children, squirrels... you get the idea.

The first thing to do will be a list of things I hope to talk about in the next few days. 1) baseball data fitting, 2) Wrestlemania comments, 3) WWE storyline direction and possible statistics involving this, 4) WoW, and 5) ridiculous.

5) ESPN is on in the background. I've heard the fucking word "blogger" about 4 times since I started this god damn thing. I hate myself already.