LOL PREZIDNT CAN HAS CHEEZBRGR TWO!!!

Seriously, the game that has the best reason for it's action (The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President?). It now is officially in my top 5 for best fucking ending to a game EVER?! You get to stand in the lawn of the White House looking like a buff mother fucker, while the President eats a cheeseburger with about a zillion clones in black suits standing behind you. Clearly, Bad Dudes 2 should be about taking over the fucking world with a cheeseburger eating clone army. I'd buy it.

Zangief

This was one of the endings to one of the most influential/best games ever? Fucking insane. And fucking awesome.

Update on the arcade quest. My internet was out for a few days, and I've been too busy catching up on other activities [editor's note: drinking like crazy] so the nerd shit will have to wait.

Game #1688: ZZYZZYXX

ZZYZZYXX, by Cinematronics circa 1982

Note 1: I'm not actually going to play 1688 games because some games require shit like guns, and still others have multiple records for the same game (like 2 player shit [like I'd let anyone play games with me, pfft])
Note 2: What kind of a fucking name is ZZYZZYXX? I mean, look at that cabinet! That thing is AWFUL.


I hate Japan. Anyways. This game looks terrible. Let's find out. Checking the leaderboard gives us:

Variation:	TGTS [TGTS]
Platform:	M.A.M.E.
Rules:	ROMset = "ZZYZZYXX" Difficulty = "EASY" Starting lives = 3 Bonus = 10K and 50K 2nd bonus given = "YES" Starting laps = 2 Show intermissions = "NO" Extra lives = "NONE"

1) Ryan Sullivan 47,715
2) Joe Perry 39,685
3) Robert Mruczek 18,820

Those look reachable, maybe. I should get #3 just so Mruczek gets displaced. What kind of an awful name is that. Holy shit.

Trying to launch the game creates the first horrible problem; I can't remember how to "spell" the title of this game. I seriously typed in 2 or 3 different things because I could get the game to run. I hate it already.

First Try: 470 fucking points. That was pathetic. ZZYZZYXX was more pathetic. The music at launch is classic obnoxious MIDI crap, the noises are ok I guess by 1982 standards. But anyways, this game registers a whopping 2 directions and 1 button. The directions are up and down, but I'm pretty sure the game only registers up and down about 50% of the time, which makes sense. Any team that forgets about left and right is bound to forget up and down sometimes. Time for try 2, aka getting my face eaten by bug looking fuckers.

Pre-2nd play note: I realized the game was giving me a back story a la Ms. Pac Man at the start screen. Get this. My fucking NAME is zzyzzyxx. Weird. Next, the goal is to run around this little area gathering shit like flowers and rings for points--fair enough. Thing is, I'm trying to get to a chick with this stuff, and if I haven't gathered enough, she won't accept me! How messed up is that. If I brave a moving labyrinth with death beetles in it to gather you a SINGLE FUCKING RING you better accept me back asshole.

Second Try: 1295 fucking points. Hey I beat the first level. My green zzyzzyxx guy turned blue... that was neat until he turned green again. I'm not sure what blue meant. Probably because he got blue balls because that girl would only let him get to 2nd base after only getting her a single flower and ring. Holy shit I'm funny.

Third Try: 455 fucking points. That try, 2 of my 3 lives were lost by moving directly into death beetles myself.

Verdict: This game sucks and is impossible. Never date a woman named Lola. She will feed you to death beetles. The end.

Video Game MISSION

I think I might change the topic of this crispex. I have been reading this guy's blog lately.

http://www.tombstoned.co.uk/words/

Negative: He's not that funny
Positive: But he's interesting
Negative: He's ranty and British
Positive: His idea rules

He's going from A-Z playing every MAME game in the Video Game Record Book thing. I like that idea. I think I'm going to do the same thing, but ZAZZY TASTIC I'm starting from Z. Fuck you.

And once I make a few posts, I'm definitely going to start advertising this shitshow.

Edit: And fuck you. I know it's nerdy. But I built my own arcade machine for fuck's sake, so you KNOW I like my old school games.

What's that smell? Oh wait, it's just Michael Moore.

Here's the latest in a long line of things that annoy me: Michael Moore.

Here's a couple of reasons why Michael Moore is good: 1) he gets close-minded people to actually talk about issues they wouldn't normally talk about, 2) his overall message is USUALLY a decent enough one (Sicko is here), and 3) he can eat a human baby without chewing.

So I just got reading a [biased] list of "facts" Moore fucked up in Farenheit 9.11. It had like 50 things on it, and yes, most of them were nitpicky and shitty. But there were a lot of scenes in the movie that were particularly important and striking. Example: the golf scene. I thought until about 5 minutes ago that Bush was talking about 9/11, but it was about some terrorist attack in Israel and come on, they have like 10 a day over there. Of course he's gonna act casual. I think little fibs like this are enough to severely doubt the rest of Moore's work. Any time you lie about say... a date, or a statistic, you could just as easily be lying about something that would be harder to check--like any of the complex political shit in the rest of the movie.

My point is that Michael Moore is a prick. I'm glad Sicko wasn't bad and is actually a nice, non-partisan idea, but holy fucking shit he is a fat asshole.

suck(vlog) > suck(blog)

That's really all I got. Chris Benoit is insane. People still have no compassion for other people (read any fark.com comments on Virginia Tech if you want proof). And the video game the above picture was stolen from would be amazing if those guys had any money to make it. I'd play it. Every fucking day. Until I got tired of clubbing seals that is (but who REALLY gets tired of that).

Crispex out.

Observing humanity has left me wanting... to not be human anymore? I CLAIM ZOMBIES

Short post.

Over the weekend, it appears the Chris Benoit (pro wrestler and childhood hero of mine) went nuts and murdered his family and took his own life. As of this writing, autopsy results aren't back yet, so there is no 100% concrete story. The only things I'm hearing are from various reporters saying things like "We have to check our story to get 100% confirmation, but it's really disturbing and bizarre." Fuck.

I'm not a good enough writer to elaborate much on what I want to say at the moment. It's not that I'm distraught over this or anything. I never met Benoit, and it's not like I had posters all over my wall. It's just yet another shocked chapter of life where you learn about humanity. Not just from the accounts the Benoit was just a quiet, nice guy. I've mostly been severely disappointed by people on message boards throughout the internet. And these aren't your places where 14 year olds hang out. As far as I can tell, these forums are for college aged people and older. Lack of compassion towards human life is something I just don't understand, and watching these shitdicks around the internet making snarky comments to get some other shitdick to laugh is just.. pathetic, sickening, etc. They'll get it someday. I hope.